Today In The USA

From the “People behaving badly department”, Martin Luther Jackson, 31, of Decatur, GA has been arrested after allegedly trying to force his estranged wife into an oven on Thanksgiving in front of their five children. Read It Until Throughly Done

From the “Gosh, was he lucky department”, A window washer working on a downtown Nashville high-rise building apparently fell asleep on the job, authorities say. Read It and Take A Nap

From the “Don’t Mess With Critters Department”, A killer whale that dragged a trainer underwater during a show at SeaWorld Adventure Park may be allowed to perform again despite past incidents stretching back to 1993. Read It and Get a Poodle Not a Whale

From the “Britney Spears goes nuts department”, Britney Spears is behaving more like her soon to be ex-husband, Kevin Federline, than a pop princess on the verge of a career comeback. Spears can’t seem to find her panties, or at least wear them anymore as her ‘crotch shots’ sweep the web. Read It and Cringe or Look the Other Way

From the “Say what? department”, School districts in Hartford, Conn.; Pueblo, Colo.; South Lake Tahoe, Calif.; and Wickenburg and Yuma, Ariz., are giving away vehicles this school year to reward kids for good attendance. Read It and Go Back To School

From the “I think we have a problem department”, A record 7 million people _ or one in every 32 American adults _ were behind bars, on probation or on parole by the end of last year, according to the Justice Department. Read It and Cop a Plea

From the “Birds of a feather department”, Though he’s lost many fans after being captured on video hurling racist epithets at a comedy club audience, Michael Richards has an ally: Mel Gibson. Read It and Clean Out the Bird Cage

From the “Oh well, he tried department”, A Wisconsin appeals court on Thursday rejected a lawsuit by a boy who wanted to compete on his high school’s girls’ gymnastics team. Read It and Take a Cold Shower

From the “Turn back the hands of time department”, 60 percent of Americans, the world’s biggest consumers of cosmetic surgery and anti-aging skincare, believe their 60’s are the new middle age. Read It and Delude Yourself

From the “Security, what security? department”, Thieves who broke into a Pennsylvania driver’s license center stole equipment to make fraudulent licenses and got away with computers containing personal information on more than 11,000 customers including Social Security numbers of 5,348. Read It and Hire a Security Guard

From the “Frat rats are really dumb department”, A group of frat rats admitted to stealing more than 10,000 copies of a University of North Carolina student newspaper with a lead story on hazing at the frat. Read It and Put Out Some Rat Traps

From the “Above and beyond the call department”, A 45-year-old Florida man, Adrian J. Apgar, lost part of his left arm when an alligator attacked him early Wednesday morning, but he was alive after four sheriff’s deputies jumped into muddy water and pulled him from the reptile’s jaws. Read It and Applaud the Deputies

From the “Beware the preacher man department”, Doug Porter, a former pastor, has been accused of murdering an 85-year-old California man in a scheme to inherit his trust fund. Read It and Keep Your Inheritance Secret

From the “Has he lost his mind department”, Drew Gagnon, 37, of Mahopac, NY has been arrested on allegations that he broke into a barn on Thanksgiving morning, spray-painted three pet goats and scattered pages of pornographic magazines on the floor, apparently to harass the property owner. Read It and Be Thankful He Didn’t Get Your Goat

Also from the “Has he lost his mind department”, The guitar-shaped bulge in Morgan Conatser’s clothing tipped off a music store owner that there might be a crime in progress in his De Queen, Arkansas music store. Read It and Give the Idiot an ‘A’ for Effort and an ‘F’ for Brains

From the “What’s he smoking department”, A couple on trial for putting some of their 11 adopted children in cages are guilty only of loving them, a defense attorney said in his opening statement. Read It and Clean Out The Kids’ Cages

Also from the “What’s he smoking department”, The Bush administration wants North Korea’s attention, so like a scolding parent it’s trying to make it tougher for that country’s eccentric leader to buy iPods, plasma televisions and Segway electric scooters. Read It and Cherish Your iPod

From the “Welcome to the internet age department”, A dozen high school students, 11 girls and 1 boy, were expelled for an on-campus brawl over who got invited to a party, a fight school officials said was arranged on the social-networking hub MySpace.com Read It and Gimme My Space

From the “No Big Box Store Department”, The San Diego City Council just says “NO” to Wal-Mart in a move the Mayor threatens to veto and over which Wally-World hints it may sue. Read It and Roll Back or Over

From the “It must have been a really bad performance department”, Police arrested rapper Snoop Dogg on weapons and narcotics charges after his performance Tuesday on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.” Read It or Rap It – Your Choice

From the “It runs in the family department”, Frank Agnello, the teenaged grandson of John Gotti, has been busted. Agnello, 16, was found with marijuana, OxyContin and morphine pills when authorities pulled him over on a Long Island road for failing to heed a stop sign. Read It and Be a Dapper Don

From the “Has-beens department”, Britney Spears is evidently so hard up for publicity she is resorting to flashing her ‘coochie’ at the paparazzi. There’s just something about ‘white trash chicks’ that turn some people on it seems. Read It and Look the Other Way

From the “Whose bright idea was this department”, An IHOP in Quincy, Mass has been asking customers for their driver’s license before seating them. This supposedly to cut down on deadbeats that eat and rush out without paying. Read It and Pay the Tab

From the “We thought it over department”, A Colorado subdivision has withdrawn its threat of $25 daily fines against a homeowner who put a Christmas wreath shaped like a peace sign on the front of her home. Read It and Smile

From the “Idiot Grinch department”, A public Christmas festival is no place for the Christmas story according to the city of Chicago. Say what? Read It and Don’t Go to Chicago, Ever Again

From the “Idiot fast food company department”, If McDonald’s gets its way, breaking out the mayo to garnish that favorite sandwich might be more than unhealthy. It could also violate a patent. What’s next a patent on butt wiping? Read It and Tell Mickey-D’s to Stick Their Patent in their McMuffin

From the “It’s time he faded-away department”, Democratic Sen. John Kerry, considering a second bid for the U.S. presidency, finished dead last in a poll on the likability of 20 top American political figures. Read It and Call It Quits

Also from the “It’s time he faded-away department”, President Bush, under pressure to change direction in Iraq, said Tuesday he will not be persuaded by any calls to withdraw American troops before the country is stabilized. Read It and Worry Some More

From the “Screw the taxpayers some more department”, When the U.S. government’s version of the United Way handed out hundreds of millions of dollars to charities last year, its largesse extended to more than 1,280 nonprofit organizations that collectively owe $36 million in taxes dating back as far as 1988. Read It and Audit the Bastards