Today In The USA

From the “Girls gone wild department”, Miss Nevada USA Katie Rees is not getting her tiara back after losing it because she appeared in a slew of prurient pictures and that’s final, pageant officials said Friday in response to speculation stirred up by pageant co-owner Donald Trump. Read It and Boo the Double Standards

Also from the “Girls gone wild department”, The company that produces the “Girls Gone Wild” videos of young women partying has appealed a $1.6 million fine for filming underaged girls and a federal judge’s order for its founder and three top officers to perform community service. Read It and Check the DVD for Miss Nevada

From the “Rich and famous gone stupid department”, The holiday cease-fire between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump ended with new bombs dropped by both, with Trump calling O’Donnell a “big, fat pig” and “bully” who was “cracking up” after O’Donnell posted writings on her blog implying Trump was a “pimp.” Read It and Act Like an Adult – Donald and Rosie Can Use the Example

From the “Supposed adults behaving weirdly department”, Michael Jackson finishes 2006 without a home and estranged from his family. Michael hasn’t spoken to any of the other Jacksons since he left California in June 2005. Read It and Keep Jackson Far Away From Little Boys

From the “Has-been boxer behaving badly department”, Mike Tyson was arrested early Friday on suspicion of driving under the influence and possession of cocaine after police stopped him shortly after he left a Scottsdale, AZ nightclub. Read It and Protect Your Ears

From the “It’s sometimes best to let the professionals do it department”, A 21-year-old German tourist who wanted to visit his girlfriend in the Australian metropolis Sydney landed more than 8,000 miles away near Sidney, Montana, after mistyping his destination on a flight booking Web site. Read It and Visit Sidney

From the “Now they think everyone lives like that department”, At least 14 men who apparently traveled by open boat across the Caribbean ended their voyage this week at the wealthy enclave of Jupiter Island, just north of posh West Palm Beach, where some broke into a home to cook themselves a meal and get cleaned up. Read It and Check For Illegal Immigrants In Your House

From the “Live and learn department”, An Iowa man, James Clay, had the munchies early Friday morning so he headed for the hotdogs at a local convenience store. Although his craving appeared satisfied, there was a little problem he decided to overstuff his bun. The clerk called the cops and Clay is busted for back child support. Read It and Never Double Dog Your Bun, It Costs Too Much When Caught

From the “It’s never too late department”, Talk about the slow wheels of justice. Merle Hulbert Jr., of Eldred, PA, was arrested on a 23-year-old bench warrant that he said he thought was taken care of years ago. Read It and Do a Check For Warrants On Yourself Before a Cop Does

From the “Polarized nation, what polarized nation department”, When people were asked in an AP-AOL News poll to name the villains and heroes of the year, President Bush topped both lists. Read It and Applaud While Booing

From the “Girls behaving badly some more department”, Actress Lindsay Lohan shared the stage with strippers for an evening at a New York City nightclub, according to The New York Post. Lohan reportedly said, “I love strippers”. Read It and Get Naked With Lindsay

Also from the “Girls behaving badly department”, One of Britney Spears’ most popular fan Web sites is shutting down, suggesting the disgraced pop queen may be losing her subjects’ support along with her panties. Read It and Boycott Pantyless Britney Too

From the “Strippers behaving as they are supposed to department”, You may see something unexpected if you hit a strip club in Alabama these days. Besides G-strings and stiletto heels, strippers in Alabama are now outfitting themselves with another kind of accessory: spray-on bikinis. Read It and Send Pantyless Britney Some Spray-On Drawers

From the “Cops behaving badly department”, Four New Orleans police officers have been charged with first-degree murder of two people, and three others with attempted murder, in shootings that occurred in the chaotic days following Hurricane Katrina. Read It and Don’t Report a Drunk Driver

Also from the “Cops behaving badly department”, Two former officers with a rural sheriff’s department in Virginia pleaded guilty Thursday to charges that they took part in a scheme involving their boss and 10 colleagues to sell drugs seized from criminals. Read It and Know the Cops Have the Best Drugs

From the “Drunks behaving badly department”, A US Airways passenger faced charges of interfering with a flight crew Thursday after he apparently unknowingly slapped an undercover federal air marshal. Read It and Know When to Say ‘When’

From the “Homeland Security folks behaving badly department”, The Homeland Security Department sent a letter apologizing to a Muslim woman who was detained at the Tampa airport and strip searched at a county jail. Read It and Buy Spray-On Clothes

From the “Get the hell out of Denver fast department”, New Year’s travelers jammed the Denver airport Thursday, trying to get out of town ahead of a snowstorm that threatened to close runways and gum up the nation’s busy holiday travel season for the second time in a week. Read It and If You’re Still Stuck In Denver Curl Up With a Good Bookstore

From the “Kids behaving badly department”, Three teenagers have been charged with littering after they allegedly burned a dead puppy on a woman’s front porch as a prank. Read It and Remember When It Was Dog Crap Burned On Porches Instead

From the “Who really cares department”, Now that Christmas is behind us, the Rosie O’Donnell-Donald Trump feud can begin anew as O’Donnell posted her latest thoughts on beauty pageants and “The Apprentice” star she calls “the comb-over” in a blog entry. Read It and Yawn Some More

From the “Fart heard around the world department”, Brian Bruggeman caused a stink at the Lincoln County, Nebraska Jail earlier this month and now faces a complaint of assault by a confined person the result of farting at his cellmate Jesse Dorris. Read It and Tell Jesse To Toughen Up and Take It Like a Man

From the “Whatever works department”, An advertising campaign featuring cartoon characters shaped like male genitalia encouraged more men to get tested for syphilis in San Francisco, according to a new study. Read It and Draw a Cartoon of a Penis

From the “Speaking of the fart heard around the world department”, Former Democratic vice presidential nominee John Edwards is running for president for a second time, his campaign said Wednesday in an announcement which was one day premature. Read It and Envy His Hairdo

From the “Sue someone, anyone, department”, When Robert Steinbuch discovered his girlfriend had discussed intimate details about their sex life in her online diary, the Capitol Hill staffer didn’t just get mad. He got a lawyer. Read It and Ask Robert’s Girlfriend Out

From the “Oh, No – Not again department”, Forecasters predicted another storm that could drop up to 8 inches of snow in Denver and other cities along the Front Range as residents dig out from under a storm last week dumped more than 3 feet of snow. Read It and Get Out of Denver FAST!

From the “My Gawd, he’s got a really big family department”, The National Transportation Safety Board on Wednesday said it was investigating what led a British Airways Boeing 747 with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and his family on board to taxi beyond the runway at Miami International Airport. None of the 343 people onboard was injured. Read It and Ask Tony To Name All His Family Members

From the “Digging up the dead guy department”, The cremated remains of convicted murderer Russell Wayne Wagner must be removed from Arlington National Cemetery under a new federal law. Read It and Wonder Where They Are Gonna’ Put Him

From the “Luggage, what luggage department”, Authorities were trying to figure out Tuesday how dozens of pieces of luggage belonging to air travelers ended up in a trash bin behind a Houston pet store. Read It and Leave Your Luggage At Home Where It’s Safe

From the “Really dumb thing to do and say department”, Manchester, NH police say that when they pulled Patrick Allain over for driving drunk he continued to swig his beer during his arrest and told officers “You can charge me with whatever you want. It’s not going to stop me from drinking and driving.” Read It and Watch Out For Ol’ Patrick After He Gets Out of the Slammer