From the “Talent, what talent department”, The wackiest episode in “American Idol’s” wackiest season unspooled last night when Ian Benardo, a New York City man who bombed on the show, was escorted out of his audition by security guards. Read It and Demand They Bring Carrie Underwood Back

From the “Run for your life department”, A virtually eradicated disease that eats through people’s skin, cartilage and bones is reappearing in Africa, Asia and South America, the World Health Organization warned Thursday. Read It and Live In a Bubble

From the “Making Sex In the Big Apple More Colorful”, Available soon from City Hall: an official New York condom in a jazzy wrapper, perhaps one printed with a colorful subway map or some other city theme. Read It and Wonder How Many You Have To Buy To Get a Complete Map of the Entire Subway System

From the “heirheads are really dumb department”, Paris Hilton is burning up the Web again — thanks to a couple of porn purveyors who posted a treasure trove of her most embarrassing personal items — including sleazy sex tapes, topless photos, love letters, medical records and even hundreds of celebrity cellphone numbers. Read It and Get To Know Paris Better, a Lot Better

From the “Bullet in the head department”, Port Author authorities have ended their legal fight to retrieve a bullet lodged in a teenager’s forehead, saying they don’t think they will need it to convict 17-year-old Joshua Bush of shooting at a used-car dealer who shot back. Read It and Know the Kid is a Knucklehead

From the “Speaking of airheads department”, Poor Lindsay Lohan had to be accompanied by minders Wednesday on a trip to the grocery store near her rehab facility, the Wonderland Center in California. Read It and Wonder If Poor Lindsay Needs ‘Minders’ to Go to the Restroom

From the “You can’t make it up on volume department”, Ford Motor Co. lost a staggering $12.7 billion in 2006 an average of $1,925 for every car and truck it sold. Read It and Send Ford Management to Economics 101

From the “Brain damage is good department”, Damage to a silver dollar-sized spot deep in the brain seems to wipe out the urge to smoke, a surprising discovery that may shed important new light on addiction. Read It and Hit Yourself In the Head With a Hammer Every Time You Want a Cigarette

From the “It’s the food in the cafeteria stupid department”, The chapel isn’t the only place where silence is expected at one Rhode Island Catholic school. The Saint Rose of Lima School in Warwick has new lunch rules that require students to remain silent during lunch after three chocking incidents. Read It and Feed the Kids Decent Food and Let Them Yap Away

From the “The housing bubble done busted department”, The latest numbers for all of 2006 reveal the biggest year-to-year slowdown in existing home sales in more than two decades. Read It and Check the Insurance Policy then Hunt Up Some Matches

From the “Hiding out in rehab department”, “Grey’s Anatomy” star Isaiah Washington has announced that he will check into a treatment center for psychological evaluation, following the controversy over his anti-gay slur against co-star T.R. Knight. Read It and Tell Isaiah To Suck Up His Guts and Be a Man

From the “It doesn’t stop getting more weird department”, Authorities investigating 29-year-old Oklahoma sex offender Neil Havens Rodreick II suspected of repeatedly enrolling in Arizona schools as a 12-year-old boy said Thursday they seized a video showing him engaging in sex acts with a child. Read It and Hope They Lock This Monster Up Forever

From the “Stating the obvious department”, New Jersey has warned squirrel hunters near a toxic waste dump about consuming the critters because they could be contaminated with lead. Read It and Eat More Possum

From the “Where the hell was the boarder patrol department”, Nineteen Cubans came ashore on the Naval Air Station Key West commander’s backyard, officials said. Read It and Understand We Were Invaded

From the “Half-assed approach to invasions department”, Initial construction began Wednesday on vehicle barriers that will be part of a mix of border fencing along the Barry M. Goldwater Range in southwestern Arizona. Read It and Tell ‘Em to Build One In Florida Too