Today In The USA

From the “It sounds like a childish prank to me department”, Six girls at a rural Tennessee high school were charged with homicide conspiracy after their principal found a list of 300 names and officials discovered online postings suggesting they kill people including Tom Cruise, Oprah Winfrey and the Energizer bunny. Read It and Suspect It was a Prank

From the “Here’s Rosie department”, Rosie O’Donnell follows up her tirade against “American Idol” by offering to send ‘Idol’ rejects to Disney World. Read It and Be An ‘Idol’ Reject For a Free Trip

From the “Now they are talking department”, An event billed as “Porn and Pancakes” is being hosted by the Living Word Assembly of God Church in the town of Ontario, in rural Wayne County, New York. Read It and Join the Church

From the “Horrible little monsters in Atlanta department”, Joshua Moulder, 17, and his brother, Justin, 19, accused of duct-taping a puppy’s snout and paws and cooking the animal alive in an oven pleaded guilty Friday to animal cruelty and other offenses. Read It and Be Horrified At the Evil of Some People

From the “Read It and weep department”, Die-hard Super Bowl fans have to face the big game this year without one of football’s favorite pastimes: Tailgating. Read It and Weep As Another American Tradition Dies

From the “Criminals behaving poorly department”, A fugitive who apparently fled to Tennessee to see his ailing mother was being sought Friday in Florida in the theft of a tour bus owned by country singer Crystal Gayle. Read It and If You’re Under 40 Ask Who’s Crystal Gayle

From the “Way to go department”, The Maine Legislature declared that it would refuse a congressional order to change its drivers’ licenses so they can serve as national identification cards. Read It and Applaud Maine For Having the Guts to Tell the Feds to Shove-It!

From the ‘Doughnuts and coffee department”, Scientist Develops Caffeinated Doughnuts; Each Is Equivalent to 2 Cups of Coffee. Read It and Have a Couple of Caffeinated Donuts With Your Morning Coffee and Get a Real BUZZ

From the “Reluctant tourist department”, A drunk man who tried to climb over a freight train stopped at a downtown crossing ended up going for a ride when the train took off. The 23-year-old man called 911 from his cell phone early Friday when the train reached the Casselton area west of Fargo, ND because he was cold and wanted off. Read It and Know This Is Not the Way to Sober Up Fast

From the “Strange things you find inside a person department”, The Cleveland Clinic settled a lawsuit filed by the family of a woman who died seven years after a surgeon left a rolled-up towel inside her chest. Read It and Check Your Chest For Old Towels

From the “Another Catholic sex scandal department”, The Roman Catholic Diocese of Charleston announced Friday it has agreed to settle child sex abuse claims, designating as much as $12 million for damages. Read It and Tell ‘Em ‘Thou Shall Not Molest Kids’

From the “I can’t seem to remember things department”, Amnesia victim Joe Bieger wandered the streets of the Dallas area for 25 days. Bieger has been reunited with his family and is now back at work. Read It and Remember It

From the “Talent, what talent department”, The wackiest episode in “American Idol’s” wackiest season unspooled last night when Ian Benardo, a New York City man who bombed on the show, was escorted out of his audition by security guards. Read It and Demand They Bring Carrie Underwood Back

From the “Run for your life department”, A virtually eradicated disease that eats through people’s skin, cartilage and bones is reappearing in Africa, Asia and South America, the World Health Organization warned Thursday. Read It and Live In a Bubble

From the “Making Sex In the Big Apple More Colorful”, Available soon from City Hall: an official New York condom in a jazzy wrapper, perhaps one printed with a colorful subway map or some other city theme. Read It and Wonder How Many You Have To Buy To Get a Complete Map of the Entire Subway System

From the “heirheads are really dumb department”, Paris Hilton is burning up the Web again — thanks to a couple of porn purveyors who posted a treasure trove of her most embarrassing personal items — including sleazy sex tapes, topless photos, love letters, medical records and even hundreds of celebrity cellphone numbers. Read It and Get To Know Paris Better, a Lot Better

From the “Bullet in the head department”, Port Author authorities have ended their legal fight to retrieve a bullet lodged in a teenager’s forehead, saying they don’t think they will need it to convict 17-year-old Joshua Bush of shooting at a used-car dealer who shot back. Read It and Know the Kid is a Knucklehead

From the “Speaking of airheads department”, Poor Lindsay Lohan had to be accompanied by minders Wednesday on a trip to the grocery store near her rehab facility, the Wonderland Center in California. Read It and Wonder If Poor Lindsay Needs ‘Minders’ to Go to the Restroom

From the “You can’t make it up on volume department”, Ford Motor Co. lost a staggering $12.7 billion in 2006 an average of $1,925 for every car and truck it sold. Read It and Send Ford Management to Economics 101

From the “Brain damage is good department”, Damage to a silver dollar-sized spot deep in the brain seems to wipe out the urge to smoke, a surprising discovery that may shed important new light on addiction. Read It and Hit Yourself In the Head With a Hammer Every Time You Want a Cigarette

From the “It’s the food in the cafeteria stupid department”, The chapel isn’t the only place where silence is expected at one Rhode Island Catholic school. The Saint Rose of Lima School in Warwick has new lunch rules that require students to remain silent during lunch after three chocking incidents. Read It and Feed the Kids Decent Food and Let Them Yap Away

From the “The housing bubble done busted department”, The latest numbers for all of 2006 reveal the biggest year-to-year slowdown in existing home sales in more than two decades. Read It and Check the Insurance Policy then Hunt Up Some Matches

From the “Hiding out in rehab department”, “Grey’s Anatomy” star Isaiah Washington has announced that he will check into a treatment center for psychological evaluation, following the controversy over his anti-gay slur against co-star T.R. Knight. Read It and Tell Isaiah To Suck Up His Guts and Be a Man

From the “It doesn’t stop getting more weird department”, Authorities investigating 29-year-old Oklahoma sex offender Neil Havens Rodreick II suspected of repeatedly enrolling in Arizona schools as a 12-year-old boy said Thursday they seized a video showing him engaging in sex acts with a child. Read It and Hope They Lock This Monster Up Forever

From the “Stating the obvious department”, New Jersey has warned squirrel hunters near a toxic waste dump about consuming the critters because they could be contaminated with lead. Read It and Eat More Possum

From the “Where the hell was the boarder patrol department”, Nineteen Cubans came ashore on the Naval Air Station Key West commander’s backyard, officials said. Read It and Understand We Were Invaded

From the “Half-assed approach to invasions department”, Initial construction began Wednesday on vehicle barriers that will be part of a mix of border fencing along the Barry M. Goldwater Range in southwestern Arizona. Read It and Tell ‘Em to Build One In Florida Too

From the “It just keeps getting more weird department”, Neil Havens Rodreick II, a convicted sex offender attended at least two Arizona middle schools, sat through seventh-grade courses and turned in homework as he moved around the state pretending to be 12 years old, officials say. Read It and Know This Guy is the World’s Oldest 12-year-old

From the “Speaking of weird department”, A judge in the Anna Nicole Smith baby dispute temporarily blocked an order forcing her daughter to undergo paternity testing, an attorney said. Read It and Speculate ‘Cause We May Never Know Who’s the Daddy

From the “Who can blame them department”, Real-life burger flippers are sizzling mad over a Super Bowl commercial that features Kevin Federline as a fry cook at a fast-food joint. Read It and Know If Anyone Can Give Burger Flippers a Bad Name, It’s K-Fed-Ex

From the “Why don’t they arrest the DA department”, Former Duke lacrosse rape prosecutor Mike Nifong has been slapped with additional ethics charges by the state bar association, which has accused him of withholding DNA evidence and making misleading statements to the court. Read It and Speculate That Nifong Has No Ethics

From the “Ain’t science wonderful department”, Letting loose in public may become less of a social faux pas with a new kind of underwear that promises to keep the air flatulence-free. “Anti-farty pants” vow to stifle those nasty odors and help gassy individuals “relieve the pain without the shame.” Read It and Order Some Fart Filter Drawers

From the “Has-beens who don’t know it yet department”, Former dictator Manuel Antonio Noriega hopes to immediately board a plane for Panama when he is released from prison on Sept. 9, and he plans to fight his conviction back home in the slayings of two political opponents, his attorney said. Read It and Tell Ol’ Manny It Will Never Be the Same As Before

Also from the “Has-beens who don’t know it yet department”, Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts, the Democrats’ losing presidential candidate in 2004, said Wednesday that he won’t run for the White House again in 2008. Read It and Know He’s On a Slow-Boat to Obscurity

From the “I bet she didn’t count on this department”, Is Hollywood abandoning Hillary? Movie moguls Steven Spielberg, David Geffen and Jeffrey Katzenberg want their Hollywood peers to join them at a Feb. 20 fundraiser the three are throwing for Obama. Read It and Know the ‘Hildabeast’ Will Get Even

From the “Now there’s an idea department”, Dogs could sidle up to their human companions downing their favorite microbrews in Washington state bars under legislation proposed by a Seattle Democrat. Read It and Take Your Best Friend Out for a Cold One

From the “It ain’t Star Wars but it’s close department”, The military calls its new weapon an “active denial system,” but that’s an understatement. It’s a ray gun that shoots a beam that makes people feel as if they are about to catch fire. Read It and Dream About Zapping Your Neighbor From Hell