Today In The USA

From the “Pop tarts in trouble with the law department”, Paris Hilton could have her probation revoked — possibly resulting in jail time — if she is found to have been driving with a suspended license because it would violate conditions of her previous sentence for reckless driving, authorities said Wednesday. Read It and Know This Pop Tart Isn’t Going to Jail and then there’s Southern belle Reese Witherspoon who knows how to play a cop like a piano. Read It and Tell Paris To Take Lessons From Reese

From the “Will miracles never cease department”, this just in: The chicken toss has been declared off limits at Kansas State. Read It and Grab Your Chicken

From the “No way to treat a dead lady department” comes word that a Florida appeals court Wednesday upheld a judge’s ruling that allowed Anna Nicole Smith to be buried in the Bahamas. Read It and Believe It When You See Anna Nicole in the Bahamas

From the “Critters eating body parts off of babies department”, comes this tragic story out of Kansas City where exterminators began sweeping a Kansas City neighborhood infested with rats after one of the rodents crawled into a baby’s crib and ate parts of her lip and nose. Read It and Buy Buy DeCon

From the “We gotta’ ban that department” comes word from New York City where they have already banned smoking and fat that the city will now attempt to ban “the N-Word”. Read it and Doubt They Will Succeed

What is a used Dodge Intrepid worth? Well, in Pueblo, Colorado three people seem to think that the car is worth a 5-month-old boy for a down payment, then easy payments thereafter, possibly one every 9 months? Anyhow, you can Read All About It and Be Amazed At How Stupid Some People Are

From the “Child molesters are us department”, comes word that the Roman Catholic Diocese of San Diego filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection a few hours before it was to go to trial Wednesday in the first of more than 140 lawsuits accusing priests of sexual abuse. Read It and Tell Them Midget Hookers Would Be Cheaper

Bits and Pieces:

Madonna Tells 10-Year-Old Daughter Lourdes to Wear Less Sexy Clothes

Long Penises Give Rodents Mating Advantage

Pennsylvania Principal Charged With Dealing Meth Out of His Office

For want of a dentist – Maryland boy, 12, dies after bacteria from tooth spread to his brain

Well gosh, it seems Al Gore’s “Inconvenient Truth” is in reality a $30,000 utility bill. It turns out that “Mr. Carbon Footprint” is using about 20 times the national average in utilities to power, heat and cool his home. Oh well, just mark Ol’ Al down as another of those “Do as I say, not as I do” type people that wants to limit what you do, while doing what they damned well please. Read It and Send Ol’ Al a ‘Nasty Gram’ Telling Him to Knock It Off

Pantyless and Hairless Britney Spears is back in the news. No, she didn’t take off or cut off anything this time. Turns out that she considers herself above the other ‘rehab riff-raff’ and has her own wing at the Malibu clinic Promises where she is undergoing treatment, hiding out or just smoking cigarettes. With a single room reportedly costing upwards of $48,000 per-month, Britney’s desire to be above it all may cost her more money than it would to simply buy K-Fed-Ex off. Read It and Tell Britney To Take a ‘Chill Pill’ and Socialize a Little Bit

From the “Don’t play chicken with a Hummer department”, authorities say a man who appeared to be driving while using his laptop computer died Monday when his vehicle crossed into oncoming traffic near Yuba City and collided with a Hummer. Read It and Write the Poor Fool’s Demise Off to ‘Darwin In Action’

Meanwhile, up in North Dakota the battle is still on-going in the attempt to repeal the state’s antiquated ‘Anti-Shack Up Law’, which makes criminals out of couples that are, well, simply shacking up. Couples such as 82-year-old Helen Vetter and her ’sweetie’, 87-year-old Don Polries. Helen says, “I will not have the state ruling us old people”. Read It and Understand That Helen Is Right

Then there’s the matter of the Delta Zeta sorority at DePauw University, which allegedly dumped every woman who was overweight, as well as the only black, Korean and Vietnamese members. The purge of ‘undesirables’ even eliminated the chapter president, leaving only 12 members who are reportedly slim and conventionally pretty and probably so ’stuck up’ they will drown the first time it rains. Read It and Suspect the Collective IQ of the 12 Remaining Members Isn’t Over 100

Odds and Ends:

Janitor Spends Weekend in Courthouse Without Food and Water After Getting Locked in Room

Man Trapped Under Bathtub for Three Hours After Motel Floor Collapse

Eddie Murphy Loses Oscar, Bolts From Show

Mom Pleads Guilty to Coaching Kids to Fake Retardation

How about a little religion? It seems that Tim Kade, 40, a Lutheran pastor in suburban Detroit, looking for creative ways to discuss sex with his congregants has some people hot and bothered with his most recent tactic, a sermon entitled, “The Greatest Sex You’ll Ever Have.” Read It and Yell Hallelujah While Tossing Some Viagra Into the Collection Plate

Poor Anna Nicole Smith is going to have to hang around Florida and decompose a while longer as a Florida appeals court issued a stay which means that her remains cannot be moved to the Bahamas for burial. Read It and Know That As Usual The Supreme Court Will Have To Put An End to Florida’s Stupidity

Speaking of Hallelujah, maybe that’s what Pantyless and Hairless Britney Spears is thinking now that she’s settled in for a few days at a swank $1,600-a-night rehab joint complete with panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean to wake up to and a team of gourmet chefs at her beck and call. Life sure is rough in rehab, isn’t it? Read It and Envy Britney Her 12 Step Vacation

With the DNA Genie out of the bottle there’s no telling what will turn up next in light of the discovery that the Rev. Al Sharpton may be related to former segregationist Senator Strom Thurmond through his great-grandfather, a slave owned by an ancestor of the late senator. Read It and Check Your Own Roots

It’s probably too late for Bobby Brown to get a clue, but at least even he should be able to spot a trend developing. For the second time in a year, Brown has been arrested while in town to watch his daughter at a cheerleading competition. Read It and Tell Ol’ Bobby To Pay His Child Support

Someone needs to tell the City Council of Clifton, NJ there’s three things in life which are basically impossible. Herding cats is one of them, nailing jelly to a tree is the second. Stopping dogs from barking is the third. This as the Idiots of Clifton are expected to introduce an ordinance setting a limit on how long dogs can bark to no more than 30 minutes on two consecutive days. Read It and Wonder What These People Have Been Smoking

The folks running JetBlue Airways need a modernized slogan and we have come up with a great one for the hapless airline, “When the Snow Flies, We Don’t”. Yep, sure enough, hot on the heels of their Valentine’s Day debacle JetBlue has once again turned into JetBlew. Read It And Realize That Walking Would Get You To Your Destination Faster Than JetBlew

Odds and Ends:

Border Sewage Deal Hits the Rocks – No-bid U.S. contract for Mexican sewage plant raises eyebrows

Man Jailed 17 Months For Stealing Soda – Indiana Mentally Ill Man Languished In Prison Because Of An Oversight

Is eBay stamp racket the Net’s stickiest scam?