Today In The USA

Jose Cruz, accused of felonious farting for passing gas at a cop, no longer faces a battery charge in West Virginia, where this sorta’ thing evidently happens from time to time.

The Kanawha County prosecutor’s office requested that the charge be dropped against Cruz who still faces driving under the influence and other charges.

Reportedly Cruz let the stinker after being refused permission to go to the restroom after being taken to the police station for a Breathalyzer test.

Hold your nose and read it at Battery charge dropped in flatulence case.

Phillip Seaton, 61, and his wife, Deborah Seaton, have sued Dr. John M. Patterson and Commonwealth Urology in Frankfort, Kentucky claiming that Dr. Patterson lopped off Seaton’s penis while supposedly doing a circumcision as a course of treatment for a medical condition.

The Seatons are also suing the anesthesiologist claiming that the gas passer used a general anesthesia in spite of Seaton’s request that he not do so.

We have no word on whether Mr. Seaton was given his severed member in a jar to take home.

Ouch!!!

Read it at Man Sues over Genital Amputation and watch out for anyone near your tallywhacker with a knife…

When I saw the headline “FAA suspends sleeping Hawaiian airline pilots” I thought that it had to be a joke of some kind.

Turns out it wasn’t a joke.

Captain Scott Oltman, 54, and First Officer Dillon Shepley, 24, who prior to being fired worked for Hawaii’s Go airline, have been suspended by the FAA for sleeping on the job and missing a landing at the airport at Hilo, Hawaii by 15 miles.

The National Transportation Safety Board had determined the two pilots fell asleep on the February 13 flight from Honolulu to Hilo, with 40 passengers on board.

After about a dozen attempts air traffic controllers managed to awaken the sleeping pilots and order them to reverse course and land at Hilo International Airport.

The FAA says that the two pilots have completed their suspensions but the FAA spokesperson does not know whether they are flying again with a different carrier.

So…

Next time you board an aircraft you might want to ask for the names of the pilot and first officer and just to be on the safe side, encourage your fellow passengers to make a lot of noise…

The Oklahoma Supreme Court has finally got around to disbarring former Creek County District Judge Donald Thompson, aka “The Masturbating Judge”.

A jury found Thompson guilty of indecent exposure on allegations that he sat through trials, including murder cases, merrily pumping away on his penis pump, shaving his testicles and masturbating.

Thompson was sentenced to four years in prison, of which he did only 20 months, and was fined $40,000 for his whacking off in court. Thompson was until this disbarment action still able to practice law, although no one would likely want to stand near him in a courtroom.

What is so surprising is that it took so long for the Oklahoma Supreme Court to decide that disbarment was justified in Thompson’s case.

One might expect that a felony conviction on four counts of indecent exposure, four one-year prison sentences, 20 months served in state prison and registration as a sex offender are each in themselves pretty good cause for disbarment of an attorney which leaves one to wonder if the justices were themselves somehow distracted by things going on out of sight…

Anyhow, you can read all about it at Oklahoma Judge Who Used Sex Device in Court Disbarred

After all these years it appears that George W. Bush has finally succeeded at something.

At least according to this headline:

Bush says he’s working hard on economic turmoil

And undoubtedly he has succeeded beyond anyone’s wildest dream in overseeing if not outright creating economic turmoil on a scale that has not been seen since the “Great Depression”.

How bad is it?

It is so bad that yesterday investors were buying three month Treasury Notes that carried with them a negative interest rate…

Oh well, we knew that if given sufficient time, President Bush would eventually find something that he is good at and by golly now we know it’s creating economic turmoil.

Well that and bailing out private businesses with taxpayer money, so it appears he’s succeeding at two things and at the same time, no less…

Change, change, change.
It seems that “change”, whatever the hell that is, has become the big thing in government.

Change has certainly become the big thing in Brighton, Michigan where the city spent $5.21 to send a 51-cent property tax bill to a local doctor. At least the good doctor has more sense than the city administration as he intends to write a check for 51 cents and *drop it off* at city hall. This as opposed to mailing the check for 42 cents. Maybe next time around the folks in Brighton ought to elect the doctor to office as he obviously has more common senses than the last group they elected. Read it at Mich. City Spends $5.21 To Mail 51-cent Tax Bill and be proud you don’t live in Brighton, Michigan…

Speaking of running for office and “change”, John Tyler Hammons, a 19-year-old freshman at the University of Oklahoma is the new Mayor of the city of Muskogee, Oklahoma. This after Hammons received a whopping 70 percent of the vote over former Mayor Hershel Ray McBride. Obviously the folks in Muskogee, Oklahoma USA really wanted “change”. Read it at Teenager Wins Muskogee Mayoral Race and tell the folks in Brighton, Michigan they might want to elect a kid as mayor, just for a “change”…